friendship bracelets and wacced out murals
the friends you lose along the way
I’ve been reflecting on past relationships because I believe a new season of better relationships is fast approaching, and as a Black femme autist, I’ve learned that I must prepare myself to receive new friendships. I’ve learned so much about how to be a friend throughout my life and those lessons haven’t often been taught through good experiences. Don’t get me wrong, I have experienced some of the most profound displays of love and community within my friendships, but neurodivergence impacts friendships in peculiar ways. I talk about that a little bit later in this letter.
I’ve also been listening incessantly to GNX by Kendrick Lamar all year, and Wacced Out Murals and Man at the Garden, in particular, have been ministering to me because Kenny is talking the right kind of shit about friendships and who he is as a friend. And I resonate deeply with his lyrics on friendship in these songs. (They are songs of praise and worship at this point, and if you have yet to hear them, you can listen here on The Sol Gospel Radio playlist!)
I’ve been in a relationship spring-cleaning season. This has been a month of focusing on my friendships that I want to maintain but this recovery from burnout life’s been lifing. So, I decided to tap back in the best way I currently can— texts, voice messages, and the occasional social media interaction (I like to keep those to a minimum so as not to perpetuate the tendency to only engage and keep tabs on people in your real life online and consider that “staying in touch”).
Reflecting on, reaching out, refining the reasons why these people are my friends. Popping in to say hello and i love you to friends i haven’t heard from in a while just so they know that they’re still in my heart and on my mind. I wouldn’t call myself a low maintenance friend, but my friendship is rarely the one to lose sleep over— unless you crossed me without cause and then it’s this D.W. meme from the depths of my endless soul.
(I have a fixed fire-earth dominant chart; you can’t blame me for holding strict relational boundaries.)
THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND
I’ve also been fortunate to experience the full spectrum of friendships—I’m the kind of friend who is there for you through it all—and trust me, I’ve learned the value of friendship only goes as far as you are willing to show up. If you tell me, I will be there, if you ask and I’ve got it, it’s yours. If you need, you will not lack around me—but I’m an infrequent communicator.
I’m an autistic introvert with ADHD, so I’m fully aware that I give mixed signals in terms of my space and time, hell, even my attention span. I will remember pretty much everything you’ve ever said, but we probably haven’t spoken for months, and that’s fine! I’m not one to begrudge you; I love the cozy atmosphere of my own quiet company. So, it’s rare that I’m yapping about nothing with anyone I’m not in an intimate romantic relationship with, and it’s even rarer that I’m in one of those. (Not for nothing, I burned out on daily phone calls and conversations with anyone. This led me to reflect on the people I didn’t reach out to, the friendships I no longer think about how but remember why they ended, and I’ve realized my experiences with friendship always center psychological safety.
Because my friendship is a HEAVYWEIGHT experience.
You see, I… I attract rather intense relationships— friendships or otherwise (taurus mars-pluto oppositions in so many of my former best friendships’ synastry). I have a tendency to draw people into my life who push and provoke me, and be drawn to people who feel pressured to perform to a higher standard “just for me.” I tend to wind up queerplatonic friendships, my friendships tend to be romantic (not the same thing as being in a romantic relationship) that mirror mirages of romantically intimate relationships that give people the wrong ideas, and pick up subtle signals and shifts when, thought I never ask for too much credit or seek their validation at first, a friend learns that I will never choose another over myself when my feelings are hurt.
Still, I will pour out all my love and energy into a new friend the more time we spend each other, which has stirred feelings of jealousy with old and established friends, but it’s because I have that lack of object permanence ADHD thing where it’s “out of sight, out of mind” for anything and anyone (except The Mama and my puppy) where my attention and energy supply for friendships trickles to a stop once distance is introduced; my brain can only prioritize proximity unless forced to zoom out due to that person’s emotional needs.
real friends—how many of us?
(The following Cozy Soul Wound is brought to you in part by autistic friendship trauma)
Like everyone, I’ve had fake friends, been a fake friend, had friends that wanted to be rivals, had enemies I thought were real friends, and have learned what makes a real friend, too. But here’s the thing, I’m such an incredibly loyal, reliable, kind and supportive friend (among my many other stellar qualities), that when I make a human mistake or take off the emotional mask, it’s treated like a nuclear weapon was just dropped on the friendship. Almost as if I was not allowed to LARP being a human in our friendship.
This has led to the end of many intense friendships for the kookiest and most betraying reasons. In fact, I’ve lost plenty of best friends— 16, to be specific, and while I’m not going to kick up dust down all 16 memory lanes, I kinda wanna giggle about a few of them because we really went from Gon and Killua, Mighty Ducks blood brothers dynamic during the Hunter Exams all the way through Greed Island arc—inseparable siblings and confident confidants—to—BOOM! crashing down and out over miscommunication, misunderstandings, jealousy, envy, and revelatory bullshit like their slow rupture throughout Chimera Arc (watch Hunter x Hunter!!!)
Like the time I planned an entire birthday trip to Brooklyn with my best friend group chat for my 29th birthday and gave them all Golden Girls keychains (because I love TGG and was on a serious watching kick at this time) with heartfelt letters to reaffirm our friendship’s bond just for that weekend to be the last time all of us were together and the end of two of the most important and stressful best friendships I had at the time… if not ever. As adorable and so Etsy as the gifts were, I should’ve known that such a symbolic keychain gift was actually both a sign and an omen— closings and endings, lock and key for the friendships made in my 20s.
So let’s laugh together about how or why my friendships either people I loved and thought would be friends for life ended for a bit!
There was that one friendship that ended because:
Someone asked if we were best friends and I didn’t answer (read: say yes) fast enough.
My Blackberry (age me!) kept buttdialing them even though I rarely checked in because they were always in some bullshit.
I didn’t have a U.S. passport to go on a spring break cruise.
They had a crush/were in love with me.
They had a crush/were in love with the person I was casually dating/was in love with, who just so happened to be mutual friends
They chose (to be with) my best friend over being my best friend (x5)
I didn’t want to be involved in heterosexual or queer drama
They didn’t “approve” of my queerness
One wanted to wear my skin of confidence while the other wanted to steal my friends.
Their girlfriend thought we were hunchin’ even though they knew I’m asexual because they didn’t believe I was asexual (x7)
They wanted me to choose them over myself
my crew is made of real friends
But I’ve come to realize all these as canon events. They simply add to the lore of what makes a good friend to me. I know what happened to make me feel like some friendships may last a lifetime but all friendships are seasonal. I don’t fret about friendships ending, nor do I grab on tight to what wants to be let go. Maybe and why I’m so discerning about who I allow to join my crew. ☀️🏴☠️
All I can say is, Wow! My experiences with friends have been almost identical to what you've shared. I feel less alone in the world on this topic after reading this...thank you! I'm envisioning being a longevity member of the crew🙏🏽.